Luonim really had little idea what was going through little Leigha's head. Her granddaughter was currently wearing only a her father's tunic and slip-on shoes from when he was slightly smaller than she was, making them just barely wearable. She was clearly extremely uncomfortable in them, but she wasn't taking them off. She was trying to reach the shelf above her that had the hair trimmers on them, but she was only tall enough to reach Luonim's waist, and those clippers were slightly above her eye line. Instead of bringing one of the nearby chairs over- they were in Leigha's parent's room, after all, so even aside from the several chairs in the room there were plenty of stable objects available- or going to fetch someone to ask for whatever it was she needed them for, she just kept jumping off the floor over and over again as if hoping that next time she jumped, it would be high enough. She hadn't even noticed Luonim in the doorframe, she was so focused on her task.
Luonim walked over behind her and kneeled down to eye level. Leigha still didn't notice she was there, she just kept jumping over and over again, though Luonim could hear that she was whispering now. "Why am I small" and "why did daddy put it so high" and just before Luonim patted her shoulder, a very distinct "fuck". Luonim decided given the extreme amount of anger, frustration, fear, and a small amount self loathing, that was telepathically oozing from her granddaughter's soul, that right now was not the time to educate the little princess on proper language.
She finally put her hand on Leigha's shoulder, who jumped almost out of the too small shoes she was wearing. She turned around and flew back so hard her head hit the dresser, which brought tears to her eyes. Luonim wrapped her arms around her shoulders, bringing her close, putting her head on her shoulder. Leigha was actually sobbing, now, far more than was warranted for how hard her head hit the dresser. Luonim rubbed her hand up and down her back, whispering what comforts she could. She didn't know what was wrong, all she knew was her youngest baby was having a very bad day, so she would be there for her. When Leigha got better control of herself, she'd ask what happened.
She knelt there with Leigha for around three minutes, all the while wishing someone else was here. Every member of their family was out in the kingdom or in council. Even teenage Axel was apprenticing with the stoneworkers. Whatever this was, she was Leigha's grandmother, and she would help, but it would be much nicer if Leigha needed to know she was not alone if there could be more people than just her. She genuinely considered for a second sending a message over the Mark, but that would bother anyone who had the Mark over a family matter, and she can deal with it herself for now.
Eventually, Leigha stopped sobbing quite so much. She was still sniffling, and her breathing came in heavy rasps, but it seemed she might be able to articulate herself. Luonim thought to start with the clippers, instead of asking. She stood up, carrying Leigha up with her, grabbed the clippers, and went to the door. Immediately Leigha tightened her grip around her shoulders, and the toes of her stolen shoes dug into her hip. Luonim paused, and waited for Leigha to explain why she had to be in this room. Leigha didn't say anything for a moment, and just before Luonim prompted her, Leigha reached up to wipe her face. Luonim then finally Leigha was forcibly slowing down her sniffling and making her breathing quieter. Her breathing was clearly forced instead of loud, and Luonim's heart broke for the second time that day. She was afraid to be crying or possibly vulnerable where people could see her, not even the servants in the palace who were almost family to them at this point.
Would she have let me see her like this, if I hadn't snuck up on her? Has this happened before but she didn't tell us?
She put that thought away for now. It wasn't important yet. She shut the door, instead, and walked over to the bed. She put Leigha down on the edge and then sat down next to her. Turning, she got the first good look at Leigha she'd had since she started crying. Her cheeks weren't wet anymore, but they were still red, and her face was scrunched up like she was trying not to cry again. Her hands were clutching the sheets and her knees were pulled as tight as she could, digging her feet into the side of the bed.
Luonim draped an arm around her second princess' shoulders, leaned in almost till her head was on Leigha's shoulder, and whispered, "No one here would mock you for crying, you know."
Leigha looked away quickly, blinking back more tears. Luonim waited for any kind of response, even nonverbal, but it didn't seem she was going to get one.
"No one; not the servants, not the lords, and especially not your family. None of us would say anything bad to you."
Leigha still didn't move. Her breathing was disturbingly regular, as if she was counting them. Her telepathy was completely locked down, which she had idly noticed happened when she'd set her down on the bed but hadn't put thought to.
She's hiding from her own grandmother when she's down. Luonim didn't know why, and didn't know what to do with it. She needed to know that she wasn't alone, but if she hid herself then she would be alone.
Still, that thought was better than nothing. She needed to know that she wasn't alone. "Every single member of our family has cried, you know."
Leigha's face snapped back around, her mouth open. She just stared at her for a moment, utterly speechless.
"We don't like crying with other people either, but sometimes we need other people. Sometimes talking about it is the best we can do. We didn't like to show you when we cried, because we didn't want you to worry about us. I see that maybe we should have, though." She was still leaned over, even though it hurt her back somewhat to stay like this for long. Just one of the woes of the world, now.
Leigha kept spluttering for a moment, mouth moving silently like she couldn't get the words out. Eventually she found her voice. "What could you have to cry about?" She whispered, but the tone of voice was one you would use to shout.
Luonim laughed, soft and bitter, inwardly sad to see they've raised Leigha and she didn't see this. Keeping her from being worried about them was one thing, but that she didn't know they could ever be sad or hurt was just lying to her. Not intentionally, or at least not always, but it was still lying, and it's hurt her.
"What don't we? My father is a star, Leigha. You have never met your great grandfather. "
Leigha stiffened even more, which Luonim didn't think was possible. It was clear she'd forgotten that. That she could forget he was dead was another reason to cry.
"We cried for your parents, before Freya came with the Mark, when we thought they would be mortal and die. We cry still for the mortals who are going to die, since the Mark can't spread to everyone. We cry that the sky has stars almost beyond count, and that the moon is bright. We cry especially because you're sibling, you're parents, and you, my little princess, don't have wings."
For that whole speech, Leigha seemed to be unwinding a bit, and she could feel a little of her emotions again. Not fully, but she could sense that the anger and frustration from earlier was gone, or at least inactive. The only thing emanating from her now was sadness.
Until the end of the speech, that is. When she called her "princess," Leigha stiffened again, and Luonim sensed a single shoot of self loathing and slight anger, and then her soul was closed.
Oh.
Luonim was the first child born, but she also happened to be the first... they really needed a word for that concept. The Nuthri had predicted once they saw what was wrong with Luonim's soul- or rather what her soul was rightfully rejecting- that she would not be the only one, though they had thought it would be rather rare. She remembered them laughing about it, later, that the first child happened to also be the first child who was... Like that. She would create a word for it later. It would certainly be needed eventually, as more people who were Like That popped up.
She had been born with the body of a boy, and her soul had rejected it. The Nuthri had created a spell to fix that after a person was born, and later said that anyone could do it now, it would just be harder to do it without the stones.
Not to jump to conclusions, but it did explain everything that had happened today. Leigha was dressing up with her fathers old clothes, and reaching for the hair clippers. Luonim had always felt angry both at the people around her and at herself when certain words were used. It wasn't with every word- she hadn't felt it at being called "he" but she had when she was called her parent's son. She won't presume yet, but now she has an idea, she knows what to ask about. She also wouldn't verbally use any more gendered terms like that, until she was sure.
Leigha was still stiffened up a bit, but not quite so much anymore. They had both let the silence hang for a moment after she'd finished talking, and only now had Luonim realized it, lost in her thoughts as she was.
"Now, can you tell me why you were sad?" She didn't want to use the word crying. Leigha was scared to let people see her cry, even her family, so she just stuck with emotions instead and hoped it would be easier.
Leigha slowly unwound, and finally leaned a little into the touch. She nodded.
It still took her a minute to finally get the words out, during which she scooted over so the whole right side of her body was pressed up against the left side of Luonim's, and leaned her head against her. Luonim almost sighed with relief to not be leaning over so far anymore. It was easier, as one of the Mark, but without the light of the True Sun bones don't heal as they weaken anymore, and movements like that still hurt.
Finally, Leigha opened up.
"I wanted to cut my hair like how daddy has it."
Well, this is a strong start to confirm her suspicion. Leigha's hair was currently almost down to her hips, while Dowan's was down to his shoulder blades. Most of the people in Blonicku started mirroring this look, as they seemed to mirror all the royals, making hair length a gendered thing in the people of Blonicku's minds. She thought it was insane, honestly- it was just hair, everyone has it- but that's what's happened in Blonicku, so she had to live with it.
It didn't really surprise her that it seems to affect Leigha too. Leigha was growing up in Blonicku's culture, not in the Blessed Years, and it was noticeable sometimes. She used the prefixes instead of suffixes- aka the wrong way, but she was aware she was now in the minority on that point-, she almost never went barefoot outside on the roads, and her voice even was different. She didn't know how to describe it, but the voices of everyone born and raised in Blonicku, as well as some who had lived in Blonicku for almost it's entire history, like Vlorindul and Nrolin- had a weird lilt to it. It was always the same lilt, too, so it wasn't just a voice thing, it was how everyone talked.
That the idea of gendered hair had spread to her too made sense. Her Numorn family wore their's following that idea too, except for Axel but Axel was not gendered, though the rest of their family did it out of preference rather than acceptance of the cultural norms, which is in fact what caused the cultural norm-
Wait.
She is talking- thinking? Whatver- like Leigha wants to cut her hair because she's accepted that norm and she is Like That. She needed to remember, just because all the signs so far today made it seem that way, doesn't mean Leigha is Like That. She might just like her hair shorter, or she might be aware of the cultural norm, also thinks it's dumb, and wants to go against it. As she said before, she had to be sure, not just presume.
"Did you want it exactly like daddy has it, or a little longer?"
Leigha shuttered when she said "longer" which was definitely another point for the Like That column she was only just now aware she was making in her head. So far there was not a single point for not Like That. Nuthri damn it, she needed to make a word for being Like That. This is getting annoying.
Leigha shook her head, and croaked out the single word "same." So Luonim took her to the bathroom, held her head over a large waste bucket, and trimmed it exactly as close as she could get to her son's hair without him there for reference. Afterwards, they went over to the mirror and, Leigha shaking, while emanating pure anxiety, Luonim picked her up to show her her new hair.
It was the first time that day Luonim had seen Leigha smile.
She kept smiling, though she was still quiet, as Luonim walked her all the way back to her room. Her soul was pouring out with glee, as a child's should be, and there was not a single other emotion had she felt from her grandchild since she'd seen the mirror.
Once at Leigha's door, she waited for a moment for Leigha to sit down, before knocking herself. She had hated as a child when her family opened a door before knocking. It had caused her to invent door locks as a teen. They all knew now to knock, the whole family, no matter who was on the other side.
"Come in!" Her voice was utterly delighted, and when she opened the door she saw that Leigha was sitting on the edge of her bed, facing the full length mirror she has next to her dresser. She was kicking her legs, hands on the edge of her bed, grinning at her reflection.
Luonim walked over to her, knelt down, and removed her right foot's shoe.
Leigha shouted wordlessly.
Luonim laughed and said "If you want to wear shoes like this, we will get some for you that fit. These are too small. So is that tunic, but it's not as bad, if you want you can keep wearing it for now. These shoes are small enough to hurt you. He wore these clothes when he was three years younger than you are now, you know."
Leigha grumbled for a second but let her continue, and just kept staring at her mirror.
Luonim sat down on the bed next to her, and finally decided to broach the subject directly. "Do you remember, when I told you the story of how my body was wrong, but the Nuthri changed it?"
Leigha straightened up again and turned her head to her, full of horror.
That was entirely not the reaction she was expecting. Even if Leigha was not Like That, horror is the wrong face. Her soul was still ungaurded, and right now there was not a part of it still given to the glee from before. She was emanating pure fear, like she hadn't felt from anyone since coming to Blonicku.
"That... the Nuthri had to do that themselves?" Leigha asked with a shaky voice, eyes still wide with honest terror. She sounded like all her hopes had just been dashed with one single sentence.
Luonim didn't laugh, even though she desperately wanted to. She was nigh entirely certain now that Leigha was Like That, but she still wouldn't say it directly yet. "No, sweetie, no. They were just the best at doing it, and they were the only people who could do it the first time. After that, anyone can do it, it will just take longer and be harder, apparently."
Leigha sagged, the fear slowly dissipating from her soul to be replaced by relief and confusion.
She didn't know where the confusion came from yet, but she would wait a minute before prompting.
Leigha looked to the floor for a bit, clearly thinking, and from her soul Luonim felt rising courage and anxiety. Then she looked up at her face in the mirror, and from her soul Luonim felt resolve. Leigha turned to her and said "I thought that just... happened."
Luonim wasn't entirely certain where the anxiety of that question was coming from. Was she embarrassed to be wrong? She shouldn't be, if she was.
"You thought that when a person's body is wrong, they're body just changed on it's own eventually?"
"Nonono, I mean. I thought everyone's did."
Luonim blinked.
"You thought. Everyone's. Body is born wrong. Like mine?" She was usually a stickler for grammar and sentence flow when she spoke, but the shock over that question was too much for her.
She must have interpreted it wrong. Surely.
Leigha did exactly what she did not want her to do, and nodded. Slowly.
Luonim felt embarrassment from Leigha's soul, and remembered what she was just thinking about. Leigha needed to feel comfortable to be wrong around family. One day, when Leigha was an adult, she would be teased for this for all her life, but right now she needed reassurance.
She felt Berloin's soul nearby, probably right outside the room. She opened her bond with him. It was full of worry and fear, and he sent her a brief message who all was with him. He hardly ever used words in telepathy, so it was more a vague impression of their family rather than names.
No one come in here yet.
His confusion shot through their bond, bright enough to make her flinch, but he obeyed.
She opened her eyes and ears to him.
Luonim hugged her him and said "No, love. I thought when I explained it to you I did it better than that, I'm sorry. Only some people are born like that, it's not supposed to happen, but by the time the Nuthri noticed it they couldn't stop it from happening. More kids will be born like that too, eventually. They made a way for us to help those people, to fix their bodies to be the way their souls like, but they couldn't stop it from happening to start with."
HE is whatever it is I am, which we need to create a word for later. I don't think he could handle so many people in here right now. Explain and then send Axel and his parents up.
Berloin's sent back his worry through the bond again, but this time it was mixed with love. He broke the connection
Leigha hugged fiercely for the latter half of this speech, and then went silent for a few moments. She heard several sets of footsteps outside the hall. She wasn't sure whose they were. Eventually, Leigha leaned back and shouted, "I could have been a boy this ENTIRE TIME?"
Outside the room, the footsteps stopped. The door slammed opened.